By Kineta Knight Booker
What is it like to have your child die? Celebrants Aotearoa member Krissy Christensen has many friends and relatives who have experienced the death of a child – through miscarriage, stillbirth, death as a child or young person, or death of an adult child.
Please Say Their Name contains some of their stories – told in their own words. Their stories talk about their shock, disbelief, bewilderment, anger, loneliness and more. But the stories also show their resilience and the different ways in which they, as parents, address their grief and learn to live with it.
Krissy said, "Over the years, I have had over 30 friends and family members have one, or tragically, two children die in their family. Twenty-three agreed to write for this book."
"This book echo’s their hard reality that their life has changed forever. Whether it is miscarriage, stillbirth, medical events, suicide, cancer, accidents, or murder, all of the parent’s echo that they want to hear their child’s name, Krissy said.
"A child may be five months or 53 years, and it still breaks hearts. It isn’t only the parents, it is also the siblings, the grandparents and extended family, and the community," she said.
"I wrote it to support parents, to support supporters, and to let everyone know that there is no one way to do grief. Everyone is individual, and there are no rules. In saying that, I do have some guidelines on being a supporter, and a best friend to yourself," Krissy said.
Krissy’s experiences of listening to, and supporting, many of her friends and others who have lost children underpin
her belief that there is no such thing as ‘getting over it’ or ‘closure’. Rather, grief changes over time. There are ways
to learn to live with the ongoing grief.
There are helpful ways to support those living with grief as well as some very unhelpful things which are often said –
usually with the best of intentions.
This book is not an academic study of grief and loss, nor does it attempt to be a comprehensive ”self help” guide to either parents who have lost a child or those who are supporting them. Yet, as well as the stories themselves showing the range of ways in which people address their loss, this book contains much wisdom about the nature of this type of grief and has helpful suggestions for both grieving parents and those who support them.
(You can pick up your copy of Please Say Their Name at UBS Otago, UBS Canterbury, Scorpio Books, and Amazon Kindle.)
